Looking ahead

As I look forward to 2014, there is one goal that I want to accomplish above all else. I want a new job. I want to stop hating the person I am because of work ... because I feel so disrespected every day. I hate that I can become so unpleasant out of nowhere. I need a new job. A new start. After 10 years (in June), I have seemingly gotten nowhere ... at least that's how I feel. There is only one thing to change that -- move on! I am so ready and excited!

Here's to a great 2014!

Our own tiny dancer

Last week Emma began taking ballet and tumbling. She is such a cutie. I got to watch for a few minutes both days (she's had two classes so far), and it is clear that her shyness is there, but she is already starting to break out of her little shell. I asked her what her favorite part was yesterday, and she told me, "Making me new friends." What a perfect little perspective.

Emma continues to teach me (and remind me) about what is really important in life. I am so blessed to have Emma as my tiny dancer!

While Emma was in class yesterday, Colt and I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and walked around town for a little while. That was much more fun and chasing after him and trying to shush his temper tantrums during the first week. I'm not sure what I'll do during the winter months, but that's okay.

Weighing heavy on my heart

It's hard for people to understand what has been weighing so heavy on my heart lately. I just feel so sad for Denny. I'm sad that he has been so undervalued and underappreciated for a job he loves so much.

This week is his final run with the Nature Conservancy of Michigan. He had an excellent run with them for more than six years. It just saddens me that they have never made him a permanent employee and now they feel the need to cease paying the wage he has earned through moderate raises over the years--in an effort to save money.

I will never claim to understand the changes going on within the healthcare field, but if that is part of the issue, again, they are crazy (or I just don't understand, which might very well be the case). He has never used their health insurance--we have always used mine. He has used vacation days and has taken advantage of the retirement plan.

Anyway, the hurt is so much deeper.

His love for nature and his work is so evident to me, and it seems, to all who work with him. A year or two ago, a gentleman he and his supervisor work with, wrote such a nice letter on their behalf. And everyone who has encountered Denny and Rodolfo have great things to say. It boggles my mind that more resources aren't used for the type of field work they do.

I feel sad for Denny in that sense, but I am also hopeful that he will be rewarded for his hard work and dedication in his next job.

Colt's first haircut

Denny cut Colt Buddy's hair a few nights ago. He is growing up so fast! Love him!

50 weeks from today ...

I will have a master's degree ... finally! I also believe we will be credit card debt free.

The stress has been all-consuming lately, but something made me look ahead, and it provided some pretty powerful insight. I am in the midst of a difficult season in life, but it's just a season. And it's one that will literally pay off in the end.

I can't wait to celebrate with my family after Denny and I reach these important milestones!

The other beautiful part of those 50 weeks is the fact that I will only be in class during 37 of those weeks. I have built-in breaks.

I can do this. I can do this! I will do this!

Memories from today

Today was such a great day! I was able to get some yard work done and then we participated in the Rose Parade. We walked with Home.FM. Emma went up to so many kids to hand them candy... that is a big deal for my shy little sweetie!

Another fun memory was hearing the kids laugh at each other...cutest sound ever!

Tonight we enjoyed a summer dinner together and just loved eating together.

Finally, when I went to lay Colt in his crib, I found a pink bunny all tucked in. Emma is such a little mommy. Love her! Love Colt! And I love Denny. I love being able to feel how blessed I am.

My worries didn't defeat me today.

Lately ...

I should be sleeping, but I’m just so down. It sickens me because I have so much to rejoice about, but I haven’t felt much like celebrating for a good month or more.

I was thinking about a happier time in my life … four years ago. We were expecting Emma and just days away from getting our house. I thought that memory would make me happy, like it should, but it was like pouring salt into my open-wounded heart. How have I strayed so far from that happy place?

For the past several weeks, I have been crying at inappropriate times (and often) and not rejoicing over exciting news. I am trying to put all of my faith in, well, my faith knowing that God has a plan … he already knows the outcome. He will never leave me. But the stress, frustration and hurt are all-consuming.

In February, Denny found out he is losing his job in June. As we near that date, it stresses me out. We have been in this situation before (and come through it!), but we didn’t have children or a house last time. A short while after that, I was given a lot more work and stripped of my title in my own job—that hurt and angered me. I am trying to move on, but it is so hard. How can I not take what happened personally?

These “big” things, which really aren’t that big at all, make every small setback seem huge. I am desperately trying to find joy to enjoy this amazing life, but I am weary. I’m having a hard time understanding why our efforts always fall short. Why do we always have to struggle? And then, I hate myself for being such a whiny baby. I’m trying to cut myself some slack, but life is hard. This is just a phase … a busy, difficult phase that will pass. If I keep repeating it, I will believe it, right?