Nothing makes sense anymore (The use of the word anymore is
rather bold since it implies that the world used to make sense. I’m not sure it
ever has.)
There are four employees in my office (there used to be
nine).
There are eight custodians; there are five employees in the
cross cultural studies office, I saw someone’s title this morning was note
taker, BUT there are four employees in the marketing and communications
department who are charged with marketing for the entire university.
One of my childhood friends has been in and out of the
hospital with a debilitating disease for months. As a child, she was a vibrant
and super talented gymnast who was probably so much healthier than me. Now, she
spends her days mostly sitting.
Another girl I went to high school with has Stage 4 cancer.
She is a mother of two who lost a baby due to a rare disease a handful of years
ago. I remember her as one of the sweetest cheerleaders.
The world does not make sense. Nothing is fair.
My sister-in-law has been trying to have a baby for four
years. She has had two miscarriages, and her doctors have not been able to give
her any clear-cut logic that helps understand why she isn’t cuddling a baby of
her own.
My other sister-in-law has had miscarriages, too. She is
still waiting for a baby of her own.
A couple I only know through acquaintances and blogging has
been trying to have a baby for years. After they opted to try for adoption,
they were ready to welcome a baby boy into their lives when his birth parents
had a change of heart.
The world is not fair. Nothing makes sense.
The husband of a woman who played basketball at my college (a
few years older than me; I never played on her team, but against her in
practice and alumni games) was in a terrible car accident and the outlook is
bleak. They have five children and the wife is a stay-at-home-mom who
homeschools.
Where is the justice?
The news has been blowing up about more riots in Baltimore
last week ... this comes a few months after the riots in Missouri. From what I
can tell, these are the result of injustices that people believe to be the
result of racism. Racism! I thought that was reserved for history books, but
it’s still very much alive. Why?
I have no energy to take care of my family these days. This
morning Denny was asking if he had clean socks and jeans. A part of me was
ticked because he’s a grown man who can use a washing machine, but mostly, I’m
ashamed and appalled that I have no drive to accomplish the basics needs of my
family. I’m actually not as busy as I was a year ago, so what’s my problem?
It would be easy for me to complain and say I have too much
on my plate, but that’s not the issue. I’m just sad. I’m so sad that I don’t
know what to do. I start cleaning a room and then get distracted and never
return to it. I have intentions to clean, cook, decorate, but my house is a
disaster.
I can’t seem to shake this feeling of helplessness. Nothing
makes sense. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard.
My kids are so cute, sweet and adorable, and yet, I’m sad.
My sister had a baby five days ago. He is so adorable and perfect. I still feel
sadness like I’ve never felt in the past.
For a long time I have been waiting for a full-swing shift
in how I feel, but it seems like I continue to feel more sadness. Every little
thing that doesn’t swing my way seems like a huge, staggering loss instead of
the tiny bump it usually is.
Nothing is fair. Nothing makes sense.
