America, we're better than this

It’s really no wonder that I don’t feel like a 33-year-old. The world is not how I envisioned it as a child. I’m not talking about the disappointment regarding the fact that we still don’t have flying cars. No, I’m talking about the fact that the history I read about in school is actually still reality.

When Hilary Clinton was running for a spot at presidential candidacy, I remember taking flak from my female friends because I was more excited about the prospect of a black president. When Obama was elected, it felt like a win. No, his skin color didn’t guarantee a good leader, but it seemed to signify that we were getting past racial tensions—racial horrors—I had studied in school.

Boy, was I wrong.

While on a camping trip with my family in August, I briefly caught a glimpse of riots on a Wendy’s TV screen and later learned about the tragedy in Ferguson, Mo. I thought it would fade. But the rioting continued for quite a while.

Then recently when the police officer was not convicted and riots broke out all over the country ... it baffles me. It saddens me. Didn’t we learn anything from history? Where I know I am getting it wrong is in the day-to-day. You know, the real underlying reasons behind racial tension America. I don’t know why it still exists.

America, we’re smart. Let’s figure this out. Is the solution too simple for us to grasp?

I’m sure that part of the reason I don’t understand is simple ignorance. Not that I’m a dummy (well, maybe I am), but I am a white female who grew up in a mostly-white community. I don’t have any idea what it’s like to be a minority. I don’t know how to remedy that except to love and to pass love onto my children.

I pray that I see the day when the world is how I envisioned it as a child.

Our daisy started girl scouts

I have been looking forward to this day ever since I found out we were having a girl. You see, Girl Scouts was a huge part of my early childhood. I have so many great memories of fun times—especially summer camp! I can’t wait for Emma to experience these fun times herself.

I am a bit of a slacker and don’t have any pictures from the kickoff meeting, but Emma was introduced along with the other three girls in her troop last Thursday. Her amazing leaders presented each girl with a pink daisy and a pin. I plan to buy Emma’s vest this week and her first official meeting is this week! She is excited, and so am I!

I will post a picture of her in uniform later this week!

Happy birthday, jackass!

That's me. I'm the jackass. Seriously. I do not like myself right now. You know how people wish you happy birthday on Facebook, and it's so nice and genuine? Well, I find myself wondering why so and so didn't wish me happy birthday. I mean clearly 72 messages weren't enough. And that doesn't even include the many texts, calls, emails and face-to-face wishes I received. So why do I care that a few if my friends didn't post a message?

I really feel so silly. I faked a lot of happiness today. Some moments were completely genuine, but today didn't really feel like my birthday. I didn't have that carefree air about me that I've become accustomed to over the years. I'm miserable. And if I could, I would slap myself or grab me by the shoulders and scream in my face, what is wrong with you??

I keep making resolutions to change; to be positive and not let small setbacks weigh me down. But, I always let those little annoyances get the best of me. I never dreamed I would spend the final minutes of my 33rd birthday crying myself to sleep.

At a loss

My heart feels so heavy. I keep resolving to be better, to not let stress, disappointment, frustration (you get the point) let me become someone I'm not--someone I dislike more than anyone else. It's hard to hate yourself or at least the "you" you've become, but that's where I'm at right now.

Instead of enjoying an afternoon with my kids, I became angry and frustrated and yelled. Now I want to read to them, hug them, give them the love they deserve, but they both fell asleep! Now I have a quiet house and I'm still not happy. What is wrong with me? How do I break free from this funk?

I'm trying to not lose hope. I'm trying to lean on God. I'm trying to always remember the positives. Nothing is working. When is OK to give up?

Never. Crap! I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Waiting for that full-scale upswing

Seriously. Even Emma's lunch account shows several (several!) days where no money was sent in for either lunch or milk. But, I haven't forgotten even one day. Not once! I'm not saying this because I'm perfect. I know I'm so far from perfect, but seriously. Can just one thing go right for me? I am really trying here. I'm also really struggling to hold it together. Yuck!

Late night thoughts

I don't think being alone is the worst thing. I think feeling alone when you're surrounded by people is the worst thing.

Venting ...

I’m feeling sad and tired today. It feels like I’m failing in every area of life. When I stop to think about it, though, I think I’m doing OK. No, not just OK. I’m doing great. It’s just that those around me make me feel so inadequate, so useless and unappreciated. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. But, this might be the first time where I actually want to tell everyone where they can stick it!

I am working hard and doing the best I can. I really am. I also think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances, but it never seems good enough. Emma’s doctor of all people made me feel like a complete failure. I don’t get it! I didn’t demand an appointment. I called earlier this week to say that she has had headaches and complained about dizziness off and on for four weeks. If they wanted me to document it, I would have been happy to start that. Please don’t act frustrated because I am answering honestly. I work. Emma goes to school. I’m not with her 24/7, so I can’t say for sure how often she feels this way or how long it lasts. She’s five, so I don’t always get the facts as it is. Stop making me feel like a failure!

And when the pharmacy doesn’t have a prescription ready, it’s not my fault. I won’t even touch work. It’s not worth my energy to try to figure out that mess. I want to climb under my covers and cry and sleep ... in that order. But I actually need to spend all of my free time cleaning because I was able to get us on track to refinance our house in a matter of days. See! I am doing a lot of good things. Please, someone tell me thank you.

Is that too much to ask?

Water Balloons

One of our favorite summer pastimes is playing with water balloons! It’s crazy because it takes quite a while to fill a good amount, and the kids go through them so fast, but what fun!

We have played them so many times that I automatically pick up more every time I run to the dollar store. Earlier in the summer, our friends, Hunter and Alexandria, came over and they loved getting all wet.

It’s fun to watch the kiddos, and I will be interested in seeing how differently Colt will approach water balloons next summer. This year, he was content to break the balloons all over himself, while Emma loved breaking them over Colt’s head. I had to intervene a lot and make sure Emma was getting wet, too!

Enjoy one small video clip I captured.

O beautiful for spacious skies ...

Every July fourth holiday, I think about the Sandlot. I just want Emma and Colt to have special memories like the kids in that movie. Sure, America has changed a lot, and we live in the boonies, but there are still a lot of special memories to be made.

This year, we celebrated at Karen’s lake house. We got off to a late start because Colt Buddy took a late nap, but we eventually made it to the lake, ate hamburgers and hot dogs, swam and waited for the sun to go down.

A lot of Karen’s family and friends were over celebrating the holiday, so the kids were a little skiddish (they don’t love large crowds of strangers ... even if they are the friendliest people in the world!).  We still played in the water and then bundled up around the fire while we waited for the fireworks to start.

The kids ate smores and then we did sparklers while we waited for the traffic to die down a little. It was a pretty fun and low-key day. It also seemed to be another reminder that we are getting older. We used to host (or attend) a pretty big party and stay up until all hours letting off fireworks and having fun. This year I couldn’t get back to my pillow soon enough.