Last night

It was the hardest so far … well minus the first two days after we brought you home from the hospital. I don’t count those days. You fell asleep (in your car seat) around 9:30 p.m. At some point, I heard you stir and I assumed it was 3 or 4 a.m.

The alarm clock said 11:22 p.m. I got you up and fed you for a while. You fell asleep and I tried to put you back down.

You weren’t having it. I had to hold you and hold you and hold you. We dozed for a little while with you on my chest and then around 3 a.m., you began wailing.

A little dazed, I got up and took you into your nursery. I unclogged your stuffy nose and even though you didn’t appreciate it, I know it helped. I also made you a bottle and at some point, your daddy got up to help. THIS MADE THE LACK OF SLEEP COMPLETELY BEARABLE.
He fed you. You fell asleep in his loving arms and then he suggested we lay you back down. I said, “Are you going to calm her back down when she starts crying again?”

It was at that point he proved me wrong. ME … your loving mother whose maternal instincts had been pretty dead-on prior to this moment.

I laid you down (in your car seat); placed the blanket across your legs and you slept like a sweet little angel. You never even kicked the blanket off!

I slept horribly for that hour and a half before my alarm went off. First, I panicked because I couldn’t hear your snotty breathing. Then I remembered that I had cleared your nasal passages. Then I had a nightmare … actually two. The first one, we were in church and for some reason all of your stuff was spread out in aisle and mass was about to start and your dad just walked away from the situation. I was horrified and completely at a loss for what to do.

In the other, you were very tiny and I had you in my pocket while I rode a bike. Somehow I ended up at the hospital, but you had fallen out somewhere along the way. I was panicking and trying to get someone to dial 911.

I have no idea what these dreams mean. All I know is I love you so much. I hate seeing you unhappy. I would be willing to give up all sleep if I never had to see you suffer again.
I am hoping your day goes better than your night. I love you, Emma Claire Bear Tison.