Wishing laughter was my genuine reaction

Last Friday night I stayed up way too late. I wasn't watching "Breaking Bad" or reading or anything fun. I was desperately trying to finish an assignment so I could enjoy my weekend. Those 2-3 hours of sleep I got that night were not enough and I paid for it (and so did my kids, unfortunately).

On Saturday I was okay. We went to visit Jenny and Aaron and took the kids to Java Jungle. They ran around like the crazies they are and had a blast. Then we picked up party supplies for Colt Buddy's birthday party and headed home. I got super sleepy on the drive, but we made it and everything went okay.

On Sunday, we had to venture into Jackson for diapers and to order Colt's cake and some other stuff. Emma got a new swimsuit, too. It was so cute watching her pick it out! When we got home, the lack of sleep hit me like a train. While the kids were being good and watching TV, I laid down on the couch to rest.

When I woke up, Emma was in her swimsuit and sitting in a big puddle of water in the dining room. I yelled, "What are you doing?" She said, "It's okay, Mom. I'm in my swimsuit."

I lost it. I screamed at my kids. Screamed. I hate myself for it. Three days later, I can finally see the humor, but I was livid in the moment. Why was that my reaction? I am hoping it was the lack of sleep, but I feel horrible. In eight more weeks, I will be done with my master's degree. From there, I want to be a lot more selective about how I spend my free time. I cherish those two monkeys way too much to treat them like that. I am hoping this mommy guilt goes away soon. 

Sometimes the race seems long ...

Over the past week, I have dealt with the following:

Locked my keys in my car
Which made Emma miss her ballet class
Dropped my phone
Which caused the screen to shatter (it still works)
Had a long overdue and much anticipated talk with my boss
Which resulted in tears (good and bad)
Was asked to change my work schedule
Which made me redo the schedule we had just gotten into a groove with
Stayed up until 4 a.m. to finish an assignment
I did not get it done
Colt woke me up before 7 a.m. the following morning
Which allowed me to get up and finish the dumb thing after three more hours of work (eight more weeks, eight more weeks)
Got zero cleaning done over the weekend
Got a flat tire on Sunday night
Got four new tires installed this morning
Which made me two hours late for work

I need a break... a release... a good cry followed by a good nap.

I am having trouble focusing, and I wrote this a little while ago:

I am just going to type so it seems like I am writing something, but really I just want to go home. I want to go crawl into bed and pull the comforter over my head and cry and then sleep until I wake up on my own … and then I want to sleep some more until I wake up on my own. Then I want to get up, and watch mind-numbing TV for a solid two hours. 

Is that too much to ask?

The seaweed is always greener ...

About a week ago today when I was putting Emma to bed, she asked me if tomorrow was the weekend. No, not even close. It was only Tuesday, but I love that she was thinking about how great weekends are because we get to be together 24/7. They are my favorite, too.

I told her, no, and asked if she wanted to do something special when the weekend did come. We agreed on a surprise for her. Within the next day or two, she knew that she was going somewhere with Aunt Alicia and me, and that Aunt Jenny was coming over to watch Colt Buddy (so daddy could ice fish, of course).

On Saturday, after an early lunch and bath, she dressed up in a cute outfit complete with her cowgirl boots. Adorable! Then we waited for the aunties to arrive. She didn't want me to tell her the surprise even at that point. We drove to the Croswell Theater in Adrian and had to park pretty far away, but we made it in perfect time to see "The Little Mermaid," on stage.

It was such a great play! Emma loved it from start to finish. She got a special treat (juice box and goldfish) and then we were able to take a few pictures with the cast after the show. The cast did amazing and most of them were just kids (high school or younger).

Afterward when we were making a trek back to the car, Emma said she thought we should go out to dinner or something. She did not want to day to end. It was so special seeing her so happy.

We didn't go to dinner, but we went out for ice cream, which she might have loved even more. She was such a little chatterbox talking about her boyfriends, Wyatt and Blayden, and just going on and on. Alicia and I were cracking up.

It was so much fun to share a special day with Emma. I hope to find more and more opportunities to make special memories with her and with Colt when he is a little older.

It's the final countdown ...

Yesterday marked the first day of my final master's in communication class! In 13 weeks, I will be done with my degree. I just got goose bumps from typing that. It has been challenging to juggle my education with my other responsibilities, but I am so happy that I never gave up. Believe me, there were days when I strongly considered it.

I have already seen fruits from my labor. Last fall, I had an opportunity to co-teach a freshman communication class. I loved it! It happened because of a connection I made through the MCOM program. I am also helping develop an online course, and talking with a few of my former classmates about co-writing a book (as in there is a published and all).

On days when I question the direction of my day-to-day job, I need to remember that good things still happen when hard work is involved--it just doesn't always happen in the ways we expect them.

Searching for the silver lining

Today I find myself sitting underneath a blanket trying to work from home as I resist the urge to scratch the rashes all over my body. Last week I got the flu and found out the father of two of Emma and Colt's daycare friends died tragically. (This hit me really hard for some reason. Maybe it's because he was the same age as Denny and me or maybe it's because I am empathetic ... sometimes to a fault.) Oh, I should also mention that last week I felt crippled with some form of depression that I sealed (as best I could) deep down so no one would see me so crazy.



Just when I thought my dreary days were coming to a close, I noticed a rash on my leg ... then on my back ... then by my eyes. When Denny got home, he took one look and said it looked like poison ivy. Who gets poison ivy in the dead of winter (the worst winter in a long time)? This girl, that's who.



Denny's best guess is that it was on the firewood I have been carrying inside and throwing in the fireplace. I could scream, but mostly I just want to cry and scratch and eat everything in sight.



I woke up a few times in the night because my eye was bothering me so much. It was swelling more and more. My face is currently swollen and red with a few bumps excreting pus on my nose. I couldn't make this s*it up if I tried. I slid all over the horrible roads (I don't know how I would have made it to work, any way) to get to the urgent care this morning. I don't think they believed me about the poison ivy theory, but who cares. I am definitely having a reaction, so I got a shot and a script for steroids.



I was hoping to go into the office this afternoon, but after the road conditions and the stares I received while in Meijer, I decided to head straight home. BUT, Napoleon Dynamite just came on TV ... things are looking up already.

Looking ahead

As I look forward to 2014, there is one goal that I want to accomplish above all else. I want a new job. I want to stop hating the person I am because of work ... because I feel so disrespected every day. I hate that I can become so unpleasant out of nowhere. I need a new job. A new start. After 10 years (in June), I have seemingly gotten nowhere ... at least that's how I feel. There is only one thing to change that -- move on! I am so ready and excited!

Here's to a great 2014!

Our own tiny dancer

Last week Emma began taking ballet and tumbling. She is such a cutie. I got to watch for a few minutes both days (she's had two classes so far), and it is clear that her shyness is there, but she is already starting to break out of her little shell. I asked her what her favorite part was yesterday, and she told me, "Making me new friends." What a perfect little perspective.

Emma continues to teach me (and remind me) about what is really important in life. I am so blessed to have Emma as my tiny dancer!

While Emma was in class yesterday, Colt and I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and walked around town for a little while. That was much more fun and chasing after him and trying to shush his temper tantrums during the first week. I'm not sure what I'll do during the winter months, but that's okay.