Late night thoughts

I don't think being alone is the worst thing. I think feeling alone when you're surrounded by people is the worst thing.

Venting ...

I’m feeling sad and tired today. It feels like I’m failing in every area of life. When I stop to think about it, though, I think I’m doing OK. No, not just OK. I’m doing great. It’s just that those around me make me feel so inadequate, so useless and unappreciated. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. But, this might be the first time where I actually want to tell everyone where they can stick it!

I am working hard and doing the best I can. I really am. I also think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances, but it never seems good enough. Emma’s doctor of all people made me feel like a complete failure. I don’t get it! I didn’t demand an appointment. I called earlier this week to say that she has had headaches and complained about dizziness off and on for four weeks. If they wanted me to document it, I would have been happy to start that. Please don’t act frustrated because I am answering honestly. I work. Emma goes to school. I’m not with her 24/7, so I can’t say for sure how often she feels this way or how long it lasts. She’s five, so I don’t always get the facts as it is. Stop making me feel like a failure!

And when the pharmacy doesn’t have a prescription ready, it’s not my fault. I won’t even touch work. It’s not worth my energy to try to figure out that mess. I want to climb under my covers and cry and sleep ... in that order. But I actually need to spend all of my free time cleaning because I was able to get us on track to refinance our house in a matter of days. See! I am doing a lot of good things. Please, someone tell me thank you.

Is that too much to ask?

Water Balloons

One of our favorite summer pastimes is playing with water balloons! It’s crazy because it takes quite a while to fill a good amount, and the kids go through them so fast, but what fun!

We have played them so many times that I automatically pick up more every time I run to the dollar store. Earlier in the summer, our friends, Hunter and Alexandria, came over and they loved getting all wet.

It’s fun to watch the kiddos, and I will be interested in seeing how differently Colt will approach water balloons next summer. This year, he was content to break the balloons all over himself, while Emma loved breaking them over Colt’s head. I had to intervene a lot and make sure Emma was getting wet, too!

Enjoy one small video clip I captured.

O beautiful for spacious skies ...

Every July fourth holiday, I think about the Sandlot. I just want Emma and Colt to have special memories like the kids in that movie. Sure, America has changed a lot, and we live in the boonies, but there are still a lot of special memories to be made.

This year, we celebrated at Karen’s lake house. We got off to a late start because Colt Buddy took a late nap, but we eventually made it to the lake, ate hamburgers and hot dogs, swam and waited for the sun to go down.

A lot of Karen’s family and friends were over celebrating the holiday, so the kids were a little skiddish (they don’t love large crowds of strangers ... even if they are the friendliest people in the world!).  We still played in the water and then bundled up around the fire while we waited for the fireworks to start.

The kids ate smores and then we did sparklers while we waited for the traffic to die down a little. It was a pretty fun and low-key day. It also seemed to be another reminder that we are getting older. We used to host (or attend) a pretty big party and stay up until all hours letting off fireworks and having fun. This year I couldn’t get back to my pillow soon enough.

Long Indiana weekend

We picked a weekend to do something fun in Indiana with my parents. Despite a few interruptions, we had a good weekend. It wasn’t as eventful as we had hoped because my dad was having a lot of trouble and pain with his feet and legs. He wasn’t able to do much with us, but we still had a great visit.

On Saturday, we went shopping and ate lunch 

at Steak n Shake (where the kids ate free!), and we waited for Jeremy and Emily to get into town. We kind of just relaxed the rest of day and had fun playing Headbandz later that evening. My mom pulled one we’ll never forget – strip club! Haha!

On Sunday, we went to Chuck e Cheese and then the park. The kids were loving it (and we adults were, too). When we got back to my parent’s house, we played with water balloons and enjoyed the slip n slide. Even my mom went down!

We had planned to go to Kokomo Beach on Monday morning, but rain ruined our plans. My dad also ended up going to visit his doctor that morning. Everything checked out OK for him, and he was given some medication and ordered to rest.

It was a great weekend!

Wine and Canvas

I’ve seen photos people post of Wine and Canvas, and I always thought it looked like fun, so when the Beach Bar started hosting some, I signed up along with Jenny, Alicia, Debbie and the Shaw ladies.

We had a lot of fun painting for a few hours. This is something Emma would love! One day I will do a class with her.

It was pretty easy to follow along with the instructor, and she was so nice and helpful walking around and helping. My painting turned out pretty poor compared to others (ahem, Annie and Alicia), but Emma loved it! It is now hanging in her bedroom.

Blah!

Sometimes the right song to describe how you feel comes on the radio at just the right moment. That’s what happened as I drove home on Monday night trying to wrap my mind around the revelations that were revealed that morning. 

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that I’ll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Other than the opening lyrics, the song doesn’t relate to why I was upset (or whatever emotion I was). I hate writing about how unhappy I feel because of my job. I have to figure out a way to center my focus on what’s really important, which is another reason I loved hearing this song. It reminded me of when Denny and I were dating. Those years might be some of my favorite. They might have even been magical. 

Shortly after the happiest moments of our lives—at the time—when Denny asked me to marry him, we climbed over some tall hurdles. Now, we’re on a smoother track, but those early hurdles certainly made us weary. I’m trying to gain my second wind—to re-motivate myself to go after what I want in the right ways. I’m trying to remember how to forget about any crappiness I feel from my job and to simply love Denny and my kids, and to covet my precious time with them.

In the end, I don’t want any success if it means I have sacrificed my integrity. I need to remember that in the fleeting moments when I feel walked-on, overlooked and underappreciated. I have some really fun updates to share, too. Sorry for the bleak one!