Dear Emma and Colt

I hope you don't remember this morning for very long. I never want you to look back and think of me throwing a piece of wood at the wall (well, it was more of a toss, but it definitely left a gnash in the wall). I am exhausted and overbooked and overwhelmed and, and, and ...

The point is that you are far too young to understand the toll the past four weeks have taken on me. You just know that I got frustrated and threw something. I'm sorry. It's unacceptable. The best I can do is try to never put myself in that situation again.

When I set out to achieve a master's degree three and half years ago, I wanted to be superwoman. No, that's not the reason I started, but I quickly realized how hard it was going to be and I went for it, any way.

People started to ask how I do it. How do I work, take care of family and go to school? Many people have looked at me in awe over the years, and I have relished it ... until this morning. The truth is that I can't do it all. No mom can. Yet our society makes everyone want to be that one person who has it all together. You know, the mom who prepares a perfect snack she found on Pinterest, who always has a clean home and happy kids. Well, I surrender. I can't do it all, and I don't want to ... not any more. I need to say no and not feel guilty, and I need to ask for help. It's that simple.

I want to be your mom first. I want you to remember reading books, playing baseball and basketball, making crafts, exploring our beautiful yard and going for walks. I don't want you to think, I don't have a lot of memories of playing with mom, but that's because she was working so hard.

Because really, who am I working for if that's the case?

I'm so sorry for this morning and for all of the times I have said no because I was too busy trying to please or impress someone else. In two weeks when I complete my degree, I will still be proud. It is a big deal because it was a dream of mine. I just failed by not asking for more help and internalizing most of my unhappiness and struggles.

I want you both to pursue your dreams, but not at any cost. I love you both dearly, and I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye this morning. I was pretty mortified after I realized just how out of control I had gotten.