Loneliness

A few songs have been running through my head this week ... my thoughts have been drifting between loneliness and just bucking down and dealing with life one moment at a time.

My high school track coach once told me that when I run the 800, I should put my head down heading into the third curve because that is really where I had to dig deep to make sure I finished strong. Ever since then, whenever life has seemed hard, I always envision myself rounding that curve with my head down with the song, "Against the Wind," going through my head.

Lately, I feel like I have been running too many races, and I'm growing so tired of the same disappointments.

I've been thinking a lot about the people I am surrounding myself with ... during the week, it is mostly coworkers ... I go to work, I come home to Emma, and eventually, Denny. But, Denny and I rarely talk these days. He is too obsessed with getting online to look for good areas to try ice fishing or strategizing with his brother on the phone. Luckily, the tournament they are stressing over is this weekend. I might get him back ... we'll see.

Any way, the only other people I get to see are the wonderful women I play volleyball with on Wednesdays. Those ladies have done more good for my heart than I ever could have imagined. They all have families and are busy, but they go out of their way to help others, to check up on friends, to make meals for sick friends, etc. I love them! They make me want to be a better person. They make me question how I could help others. They never dwell on their own hardships.

I love them ... they make me question why I continue to do the same things when I consistently find myself down. Today, I just want to start fresh. And, I don't want to go at it alone. I want positive, supportive people in my life who challenge me out of love.

Tonight I was supposed to have dinner with my brother and sister, but we delayed it because of the snow. I felt absolutely crushed. They are good people who always have supportive advice, I could use more of them in my life. We need to plan a weekly meal together. I am also going to insist that Denny and I go out on a date once this tournament is over. I know he cares even when his head is somewhere else.

I am hoping to the courage to make some changes in my life ... even if they are big and scary and seem daunting. I want to feel alive and excited. I want to be an encouragement to those around me. I will get there.

I will ... I'm "still running ..."