At a loss

My heart feels so heavy. I keep resolving to be better, to not let stress, disappointment, frustration (you get the point) let me become someone I'm not--someone I dislike more than anyone else. It's hard to hate yourself or at least the "you" you've become, but that's where I'm at right now.

Instead of enjoying an afternoon with my kids, I became angry and frustrated and yelled. Now I want to read to them, hug them, give them the love they deserve, but they both fell asleep! Now I have a quiet house and I'm still not happy. What is wrong with me? How do I break free from this funk?

I'm trying to not lose hope. I'm trying to lean on God. I'm trying to always remember the positives. Nothing is working. When is OK to give up?

Never. Crap! I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Waiting for that full-scale upswing

Seriously. Even Emma's lunch account shows several (several!) days where no money was sent in for either lunch or milk. But, I haven't forgotten even one day. Not once! I'm not saying this because I'm perfect. I know I'm so far from perfect, but seriously. Can just one thing go right for me? I am really trying here. I'm also really struggling to hold it together. Yuck!

Late night thoughts

I don't think being alone is the worst thing. I think feeling alone when you're surrounded by people is the worst thing.

Venting ...

I’m feeling sad and tired today. It feels like I’m failing in every area of life. When I stop to think about it, though, I think I’m doing OK. No, not just OK. I’m doing great. It’s just that those around me make me feel so inadequate, so useless and unappreciated. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. But, this might be the first time where I actually want to tell everyone where they can stick it!

I am working hard and doing the best I can. I really am. I also think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances, but it never seems good enough. Emma’s doctor of all people made me feel like a complete failure. I don’t get it! I didn’t demand an appointment. I called earlier this week to say that she has had headaches and complained about dizziness off and on for four weeks. If they wanted me to document it, I would have been happy to start that. Please don’t act frustrated because I am answering honestly. I work. Emma goes to school. I’m not with her 24/7, so I can’t say for sure how often she feels this way or how long it lasts. She’s five, so I don’t always get the facts as it is. Stop making me feel like a failure!

And when the pharmacy doesn’t have a prescription ready, it’s not my fault. I won’t even touch work. It’s not worth my energy to try to figure out that mess. I want to climb under my covers and cry and sleep ... in that order. But I actually need to spend all of my free time cleaning because I was able to get us on track to refinance our house in a matter of days. See! I am doing a lot of good things. Please, someone tell me thank you.

Is that too much to ask?

Water Balloons

One of our favorite summer pastimes is playing with water balloons! It’s crazy because it takes quite a while to fill a good amount, and the kids go through them so fast, but what fun!

We have played them so many times that I automatically pick up more every time I run to the dollar store. Earlier in the summer, our friends, Hunter and Alexandria, came over and they loved getting all wet.

It’s fun to watch the kiddos, and I will be interested in seeing how differently Colt will approach water balloons next summer. This year, he was content to break the balloons all over himself, while Emma loved breaking them over Colt’s head. I had to intervene a lot and make sure Emma was getting wet, too!

Enjoy one small video clip I captured.

O beautiful for spacious skies ...

Every July fourth holiday, I think about the Sandlot. I just want Emma and Colt to have special memories like the kids in that movie. Sure, America has changed a lot, and we live in the boonies, but there are still a lot of special memories to be made.

This year, we celebrated at Karen’s lake house. We got off to a late start because Colt Buddy took a late nap, but we eventually made it to the lake, ate hamburgers and hot dogs, swam and waited for the sun to go down.

A lot of Karen’s family and friends were over celebrating the holiday, so the kids were a little skiddish (they don’t love large crowds of strangers ... even if they are the friendliest people in the world!).  We still played in the water and then bundled up around the fire while we waited for the fireworks to start.

The kids ate smores and then we did sparklers while we waited for the traffic to die down a little. It was a pretty fun and low-key day. It also seemed to be another reminder that we are getting older. We used to host (or attend) a pretty big party and stay up until all hours letting off fireworks and having fun. This year I couldn’t get back to my pillow soon enough.

Long Indiana weekend

We picked a weekend to do something fun in Indiana with my parents. Despite a few interruptions, we had a good weekend. It wasn’t as eventful as we had hoped because my dad was having a lot of trouble and pain with his feet and legs. He wasn’t able to do much with us, but we still had a great visit.

On Saturday, we went shopping and ate lunch 

at Steak n Shake (where the kids ate free!), and we waited for Jeremy and Emily to get into town. We kind of just relaxed the rest of day and had fun playing Headbandz later that evening. My mom pulled one we’ll never forget – strip club! Haha!

On Sunday, we went to Chuck e Cheese and then the park. The kids were loving it (and we adults were, too). When we got back to my parent’s house, we played with water balloons and enjoyed the slip n slide. Even my mom went down!

We had planned to go to Kokomo Beach on Monday morning, but rain ruined our plans. My dad also ended up going to visit his doctor that morning. Everything checked out OK for him, and he was given some medication and ordered to rest.

It was a great weekend!