Loss

Last week ended much different than how it began. On Friday, May 20, I went home and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I wasn't super excited at first ... I was more afraid ... of what Denny would think, of how we would afford it, etc. Once I told Denny, his excitement rubbed off on me, and my mind started planning. I began to think about things I wanted to do before January, things we would want to look for at garage sales, etc.

Last Wednesday, I started spotting and it quickly turned to heavier blood. Since then I have cried a lot, but I have also counted my blessings. Perhaps most importantly, I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful that one day Emma will become a big sister.

As I recover emotionally, I'm trying to figure out what my body is going through. After cramping and other usual symptoms, I was pretty okay by Saturday. Very early yesterday morning I woke up with a lot of pain in my back and an urgency to run to the bathroom. The pain then felt like it was pulsing through to my rib cage ... very similar to the gallstone attack I had a year and a half ago. Since I no longer have a gallbladder, that concerned me.

I went to my doctor yesterday and she wasn't sure ... she thought maybe it was food poisoning, but she also wants me to have an ultrasound. That is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I hope it was just food poisoning. I am ready to move on emotionally, and I am so hopeful that some day I will be able to make Emma a big sister.

Easter 2011

This was one of the best Easters in my life. It ranks right up there with the one when I had chicken pox and got to spend the whole day with my mom ... when I had her all to myself!

On Good Friday, Emma slept in a little and I was able to work on one final paper I needed to turn in. Once she got up, I put the laptop and all of my books away to enjoy the morning with her. Unfortunately, Denny had to work, but Emma and I enjoyed the morning.

Since the weather was crummy, Denny came home before lunch, which worked out great. Jeremy and Jenny came over to hang out and play with Emma. I was able to finish my paper that night. On Saturday, Emma and I ran errands and then played outside for a while with Denny. That night, we died Easter eggs. I could not remember the last time I did that, but it was fun. Eventually, we are called it a night.

I woke up early on Sunday to play Easter bunny before church. Emma loved finding the eggs in the living room and looking through her basket. We then made it to church early! We were able to get a pew big enough for Debbie, Mike, Makayla, Alicia and Luke. Emma was a little angel and we were all able to enjoy the entire mass.

Afterward, everyone came over for brunch and another egg hunt for Emma. After everyone left, Denny went fishing while Emma and I took a nap. It was perfect! We missed my parents and brothers, but hopefully next year we can all be together!

Pre-Easter celebration

For about month, my mantra has been "just make it to Easter." I knew if I could balance all of my responsibilities, I would be able to enjoy Easter and a much-needed break.

I made it! I finished my last paper on Friday night/Saturday morning, and now I am free from classes until May 16. I'm so happy to have five more credits done. I also know that I will probably not take two classes at the same time again. It was a lot ... I was very burnt out.

On Saturday morning, Emma and I ran to Jackson to pick up some groceries and whatnot. I scored a body wash for Denny for $.04 ... yeah, four cents. I was so excited. It's a far cry from the extreme couponers featured on TV, but I'll take what I can get. I also saved another $16 with coupons at Meijer ... that's almost five gallons of gas. Okay, I'm done, but I was happy!

On my way home, I called my sister to tell her to sign up for Meijer Perks. We were just chatting when she asked what I had planned for the afternoon. I said probably some cleaning and getting ready for Easter. She told me she was pretty sure I was running on "mommy energy" ... I didn't think much of it. But, I think she was right. On Sunday, after church and a wonderful brunch, Emma and I took a two-hour nap. I woke up and was still so tired. That was the first nap I have taken in so long. It was the perfect treat for making it to Easter.

I will write about Easter and my one class, which has done so much good for my soul soon.

HOME.fm

Emma now fits into the cute little T-shirt Rachel from HOME.fm sent me while I was pregnant! I snapped a few pictures of her yesterday afternoon.

Long time coming

I don't remember the last time I wrote on here, but I am guessing about 12 weeks ago? I'm in week 12 of 13 for one class, and week 3 of 4 for another. I can see the light! I still have a lot of work to complete, but it's manageable.

Last week I had a breakdown at work. I think I need to pick a career where I can work mostly from home or something because no matter how hard I try or how much I prepare, people still have the ability to make me lose it. I hate this about myself to a point. I'm just super sensitive. Sometimes it backfires, but sometimes it helps me relate to others ... emphathize, etc.

For as long as I can remember, this is how I've been wired. Apparently when I was very small (maybe Emma's age), I told my dad that he hurt my feelings. There's no doubt he did although it was probably something very minor. Emma shares my sensitivity.

The episode that happened last week partially warranted a breakdown. A very false accusation was made against me. I'm lucky to have a boss who doesn't overreact (like I do!) and was able to figure out what happened, which was nothing that I did wrong, in fact. In the end, I received multiple apologies. I am still a little shaken.

I think I need a better way to relieve stress. I'm super busy right now and as much as I would like to think I do everything all the time, I can't. On Saturday, Emma and I ran a lot of errands and returned home just as it was getting nice out, so we played! After a while, I got out Emma's stroller and we walked for 30 minutes. I thought, why don't make time for this every day?? Thirty minutes is not a lot and I can do a variety of activities ... so, I'm trying to work out EVERY day for 30 minutes or more. Yesterday, we walked again and then worked in the yard. I am hoping this excitement will help me relieve some stress, feel better physically and give some energy.

That's all I have time for right now! I promise to return soon!

Month 18

Emma turned 18 months while we were visiting my brother and his family in Baton Rouge. Sadly, she had an ear infection, but she still played with her cousins and had a wonderful time.

I cannot believe how much she has changed in the past couple of months. She looks more like a little girl than a baby these days with her long hair. She is talking so much more. We have conversations now. They go like this:

I ask, "Emma, did you have fun today?"

Emma responds, "Yeah."

"Emma can I have a hug?"

"No."

Seriously, I love this little girl. She tries to say almost anything we ask her.

The doctor said she was ahead in the speech development, which was good to hear. Luckily, I haven't been as nervous about her speech in quite some time.

Also last month, she started to show interest in using her potty. So far, she has gone peepee three or four times, and number two once. We're not pushing it, but I'm so proud of her!

Her stats: 33 inches (90th percentile), 25 pounds, 10 ounces (75th percentile). She has stayed in these ranges since pretty early on, so that another relief. She doesn't have to go back for a regular checkup until she is two!

Some of Emma's favorite things include books, coloring, taking care of her babies and playing with her little people sets. She likes to wrap her babies in blankets, put diapers on them and give them a bottle or pacifer. It's adorable!

I'm looking forward to watching her grow and learn many more things in the months and years to come! I'm so lucky to be her mommy.

On "wearing sunscreen"

Today I am emotional. If I didn’t know better, I would certainly guess a small miracle was growing within me. I’m filled with hope that borders on confusion and frustration with the state of things far beyond my reach. Things like gas prices and the longstanding consequences of past decisions by others. Yes, by others.

After volleyball last night, I was talking with my friends about the rising cost of gas. It made me worry. It made me think of “Wear Sunscreen.” The words to this editorial-turned-song came out during an important season in my life, and I will never forget it. I will likely continue to refer back to it until something better, something more profound is written. I was sure there was a line in there about the rising cost of gas, but it was just about rising costs in general. Disappointing in itself.

I didn’t get enough time with Emma this morning. This recurring feeling is there every Thursday morning. I love playing volleyball, forgetting about the cost of gas and all the other unnecessary troubles that are giving me permanent forehead lines. But I also know that I can’t freeze time. And I don’t want to forget those moments when she runs down the hallway as fast as she can to see her daddy. Or the conversations we have where I ask her a question and she responds, “no,” or “yeah.” We can talk forever it seems, and I am so in love with her.

So, yeah (I wonder where Emma gets her poor grammar!), “Wear sunscreen” made me think of other things like valuing this time and NOT worrying for worry sake. The real nightmares come when we least expect them—so true!

Here is my hope. I want to enjoy life right now. I want to take more photos and laugh more so these memories fade more slowly.

I want to rejoice in today without thinking about how I afford to drive to work five days a week when gas hits $5/gallon or when we need to plan for another baby so Emma will have playmate and lifelong friend. I like us. I love where we’re at right now. I know I will also like the future us and where we are then, but, for now, I will rejoice in the sunshine and I will ask Emma simple questions and love our “conversations.”

I will continue to sneak peaks of her snuggled up with Denny and secretly love the delay mechanism she employs each morning by refusing to leave his arms to get dressed.

The hope in my heart will not be overtaken by the cost of gas or the poor decisions of others or anything else. Oh, and I will continue to wear sunscreen.